I sat over coffee with a friend from church yesterday and he confronted me about some things that had been said that were hurtful. The situation is a bit complex to explain here, but I sure saw his point. Things might have been done better, and words were expressed that can really hurt relationships if they were not taken in the right way.
We talked it out, becoming more and more comfortable with each other’s thoughts and perspectives as the hour progressed. And we both grew. Before we left, I thanked him and expressed how impressed I was that he had shared his true feelings about what had been said. That approach meant our relationship developed and we both came out knowing and respecting the other more. This guy is actually, in some sense, my charge or I am in authority over him. It would have been easy for him to stuff and push down how he really felt, “submitted” to my authority and moved on. That would have put up barriers between us that might have lasted a long time – another brick in a wall. Instead he choose to confront and share in a humble but honest way that tore down barriers to our relationship.
I had another situation at church very recently with a woman that went in exactly the opposite direction. Something was said to Rhonda by a group that she perceived was hurtful and too strong. Over time, it festered and I believe got bigger and bigger in her mind. Eventually she broke off relationships, leaving a group that had supporter her and encouraged her through some hared times. Some people perceived she was growing colder, but they had no idea why.
The tragedy is that it seems to be happening again. Rhonda is closing emotional doors with another group – unwilling to share her true feelings and emotive feedback. I am afraid she will move on again, only to repeat the same pattern. There will be no chance to build lasting and significant community, community she desperately needs.
Come on guys, get a grip. We are imperfect people and we make mistakes. Mistakes in what we say, or mistakes in how we perceive what others say and do. Those mistakes often leave us with emotions that are not going to go away and we have to make a choice. We will choose either to express them honestly and lovingly to one another or choose to bottle them up.
One choice has the chance to build community and deep relationships, the other builds a wall.
What feelings are we holding inside that are damaging a relationship with somebody close to us We can choose to take a chance, be honest, and grow in community. Or, we can choose to increase our plasticity with that person and build a wall.